A Burdened Generation: Pressures in Emigrant Families

Every family has expectations for its children. Get good grades, don’t smoke, don’t do drugs—everyone reading this is probably rolling their eyes from the repetitiveness. But it extends a bit further for those in immigrant families. There’s an unspoken weight to every good grade, for every missed party, for every declined hangout—it’s an obligation and a requirement. On top of that weight, there’s the expectation that you’ll get a job working as something practical and something that earns a lot of money so that you can care for your parents in the future. It’s exhausting, but hopefully I can help ease some of that pressure by giving you coping strategies to help deal with such burdens.

Common Cultural Pressures

Being in a conservative Indian family, I’d like to think I’ve had my fair share of expectations. Here, I’ve made a list of just a few expectations my parents and extended family have put on me now that I’m in high school and approaching college:

1. Becoming a doctor (or anything else in STEM…)

I’m sure everyone reading this article has heard the infamous words, “become a doctor when you’re older”. Maybe it wasn’t becoming a doctor, but a lawyer instead. Maybe a scientist, engineer, but the point remains the same—immigrant families tend to put a lot of control over their children’s professions in the future, leading me to my next few points.

2. The family’s future depends on your success

Another common expectation for children in emigrant families is the idea that your future needs to be a complete success. There isn’t any room for experimentation with careers, or for any error. First-generation immigrants can be a bit tunnel-visioned when it comes to the future, and it can put unnecessary pressure on their children to ensure there are no hiccups or career changes, because the fate of their family depends on how good they do.

3. NO humanities or art majors

While commonly taken as a joke on platforms such as Instagram, TikTok, etc., immigrant families (especially Asian households) view humanities and arts in a negative light. It can be hard to land well-paying or consistent jobs when you major in art, history, or english, unless it’s in a teaching position, which everyone knows doesn’t pay as well as it should. It’s for that reason that many emigrant families discourage their children from pursuing such majors, with some families not even acknowledging it as an option.

4. Honor the sacrifices your parents made to be in this country

While sounding typical and expected on paper, this can get to toxic levels in immigrant families. It’s no secret that moving to an entirely different country, leaving their old life behind, and having to adapt to an entirely new culture is a heavy sacrifice that immigrant parents made in order to give us a better life. All children of immigrants should realize this and respect it, but it can get to a point where it’s used more as a guilt-trip to get you to do what your parents wish. While they may mean right or want the best for you, it’s important to recognize when your parents or family are using this expectation in order to make you feel bad about doing something that deviates from their norm.

The Impact on Your Mental Health

Cultural expectations can have a very heavy impact on a child’s mental health, making them feel as if they aren’t seen, they don’t get to be their authentic selves, or that they can’t trust their parents with certain aspects of their personality that can be seen as delinquent in their own culture. But this heavy toll can be managed and dealt with, as we’ll see in the following section!

These are some coping strategies I use when dealing with heavy expectations and toxic family members:

1. Don’t be afraid to distance yourself

If your family is getting overwhelmingly pushy about a goal they have for you, then don’t feel obligated to remain in that situation. Distance yourself and create space between you and that family member, even if it’s in small ways, such as taking some time for yourself after a heated argument or discussion with them. Even taking a few seconds to collect yourself is better than stewing in your own anger and despair.

2. Journal about it

While sounding cliché, journaling really can help. Write down what your family expects from you, how you feel about that expectation, and why you feel that way. It’s a way of organizing your thoughts, which can help you make a plan of action on how to cope with it and destress.

3. Make hobbies about things you're interested in outside of your career goals

To me, this is one of the more effective methods on the list—having hobbies that don’t relate to your career aspirations is a game-changer. You can focus on something that isn’t related to school or jobs, and it can be an outlet for whenever you're feeling particularly stressed about either something your family expects from you, or something related to how your future is going to pan out.

4. Talk to your parents and family

This can be hard for a lot of people to read, especially those who aren’t particularly close with their family. But if you know you have a relationship strong enough with your parents to have this kind of conversation, I would highly recommend it. Setting boundaries, explaining how you feel about their comments and expectations of you, and making it clear that you don’t appreciate how they’re hijacking your future can change a lot about how your family treats you. This won’t work for everyone, but it’s always worth a try. Plus, it’s more effective than anything else on this list if it does work.

In the end, it’s important to know you aren’t alone. Everyone struggles with unsupportive family members and cultural expectations—it’s just a natural part of being a second-generation immigrant—but that doesn’t mean you have to lie down and accept it.

- Ramneet